Reacting to a Hallucination
by abovethenightsky
Summary: Oneshot.  Stuck inside on a gray, gray day, Sirius gets the idea to play a most entertaining and orgasmic game with the Marauders.  Cowritten with my dear friend Remy. Implied RLSB, mentioned JPLE.  R&R!


_A/N: Well, folks, this is what happens when my dear friend Remy and I are talking far to late into the night. We co-write crazy fanfic. This story (only mild, implied slash) is based on the pretense that the Marauders are playing a game which is very popular at our camp. The full rules can be found by going to the RealCTY website and searching "Silent Football," but only a couple are necessary to really understand the story (taken from the RealCTY site)._

_Silent Football is played with at least three, preferably 7 or more players, one of whom is Mr. Dictator (usually regardless of gender). These players sit in a circle so that everyone can see every player's knees. This circle of players is called "The Universe" and everything outside the universe does not exist and are hallucinations._

_In Silent Football, players do not keep their names from outside of the universe._

_Here is the proper procedure for tattling: _

_1. Raise your hand _

_2. Wait to be addressed by Mr. Dictator _

_3. __The first two words out of a player's mouth must be Mr. Dictator. _

_4. State your concern _

_There are a few restrictions to your speech. _

_One may never refer to a player by their real name, at the beginning one gives oneself an in-game name. __One may not refer to other players using pronouns, for pronouns degrade people and make them feel bad. __One may refer to oneself with pronouns such as I, me, my, or the royal we. __One may refer to hallucinations with pronouns, for they are not people. __When tattling on a player for using a heinous pronoun one must encase the pronoun in quotes by saying __"Mr. Dictator, player X has used the heinous pronoun quote he unquote." __Airquotes are not quotes. They indicate love of bunny rabbits. If airquotes are used, then one will be asked if one loves bunny rabbits. If one says no, then one will receive penance points for perjury. _

_Mr. Dictator can call a Jihad upon noticing that a hallucination is interfering too often or too drastically. Jihad is different for different groups._

_Once one has attained 5 penance points one has lost. Alternatively, when the game is forced to end, those players with five or more Penance Points lose. Also if the game ends prematurely, some versions require the player with the most points to "lose". The Universe must decide proper compensation for having disrupted The Universe so deeply. The loser must perform an embarrassing action._

_That's all, folks! Remy and I thank you for reading the longest Author's note in the history of ever. Please review!_

* * *

"I'm bored," James whined. 

It was a dreary winter day. The boys were shut inside Gryffindor Tower, watching the sleet pour down in sheets outside of the window. James had been doodling LE on a spare piece of parchment, Sirius had simply been staring off into space, looking rather bored himself, and Remus had his nose in a book, studying for NEWTs which were still months away. Peter was looking from James to Sirius, no doubt waiting for something exciting to happen.

It wasn't going to. Not without help.

"I'm _bored_," James said again, as if they all hadn't heard him. "I need something to do."

"I don't suppose you're up for tracking down Snivellus again?" Sirius asked hopefully. "We still have a few dungbombs left."

"Nah," James replied, looking rather let down. "He still stinks from the last ones."

"And besides," Remus added, "after that incident last week, maybe we'd better take a break from dungbombs."

"Well," Peter suggested, "You could go find Evan-"

"Even something more interesting to do!" Remus interrupted.

Sirius stifled a snort. Remus shot him a look.

"Say, have we got any Gillyweed left?" James asked hopefully, suddenly perking up a bit.

"We would, except _someone_ got it confiscated last week." Sirius glared at Peter, who turned bright pink.

"That wasn't my fault! How was I supposed to know Filch's got a bloody drug-sniffing cat?!"

"Right, we understand, drug-sniffing cat, let bygones be bygones and so forth." Sirius sat up, a hint of a smile on his face. "We'll make do without Gillyweed. Because I have a most excellent and orgasmic idea." Remus raised an eyebrow and returned to his book.

"Or_what_mic?" Peter asked. He looked slightly alarmed.

James suddenly looked very interested. "Padfoot, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"

"Of course not, you pervert. I think we all can guess what you're thinking and I'm sure Lily Evans is a very nice girl who would never do such a thing. This is better."

At this point Peter looked positively terrified. And James looked very interested. Remus groaned, rolled his eyes, and returned to his book.

Sirius could barely contain himself. "I'm talking about the most holy and or_gas_mic game of Silent Football." He paused for dramatic effect. "The most orgasmic game of Silent Football," he continued, "consists of four moves, two offensive, and two defensive." And then he proceeded to explain all of the rules of Silent Football.

After he had finished, Sirius instructed, "Well, to start off we have to be in a circle." James and Peter scooted forward. Remus stayed put. Sirius looked at him. "Um, Moony. Circle."

"My life is quite orgasmic enough for me as it is, thank you very much. I am reading."

"No, Moony, you are most certainly _not_ reading. You are having fun. Meaning you put the book down. _Now._"

"No, really, I--"

Sirius waved his wand lazily. "_Accio book!_" He pulled the book from the air in front of him and sat on it. "There you go. Are you playing or not?"

"This is ridiculous," Remus muttered, but he got up and joined the circle.

"Right. So, players will go around in a circle stating their names, starting with the player to Mr. Dictator's right."

Silence. Sirius poked Peter. "Oh, right! Um...uh..."

"The player to Mr. Dictator's right shall henceforth be known as quote um...uh...unquote."

"Prongs."

"Moony."

"And Mr. Dictator. Free speech has been revoked. The passing of the most holy and orgasmic silent football shall commence." Sirius performed a long and complicated series of knee-slaps and then glared at James.

James started. "Oh wait--oh, I mean--"

Remus raised his hand.

"Yes, Moony?"

"Mr. Dictator, it has come to my attention that Prongs has spoken out of turn and dropped the most holy silent football."

Sirius sighed. Remus was right. As usual. "That is correct. Prongs has indeed dropped the most holy _and orgasmic_ silent football. Prongs is awarded one half of one penance point for general incompetence. Moony is awarded two penance points for being a know-it-all. Mr. Dictator would like to inform Moony that his new name is 'Insufferable Know-It-All.'"

Remus raised his hand again.

"Yes, Insufferable Know-It-All?"

"Mr. Dictator, it has come to my attention that Mr. Dictator has just used the heinous pronoun quote his unquote."

"What? That doesn't count as a pronoun!"

"Don't be ridiculous. Of _course_ his is a pronoun. It's a possessive pronoun, referring to an item belonging to, in this case, Insufferable Know-It-All, and replaces the phrase 'Of Insufferable Know-It-All.' Should I get out my grammar book and show you?"

"_Hallucinatory_ grammar book," Sirius corrected. "Insufferable Know-It-All would be reacting to a hallucination and would have to eat said hallucination."

"Yes, I _will_ eat that grammar book if that's what I have to do to prove that Mr. Dictator has atrocious grammar!"

Sirius let out a despairing sigh. "If Insufferable Know-It-All really finds it necessary, Insufferable Know-It-All is permitted to leave the universe to retrieve said hallucinatory grammar book."

Sirius drummed his fingers on the floor as Remus ran upstairs to get his book. He came down a few minutes later, reading out loud in a triumphant tone of voice, "His is the possessive form of 'he,' used as an attributive or predicative adjective! And he," Remus flipped back a page, "is a _pronoun_ referring to the male person or animal last mentioned. So his is a _pronoun, _which is what I was saying in the first place!" He slammed the book shut, sat back down in the circle, and stared defiantly at Sirius.

Peter raised his hand tentatively. "Um, I think there were some...pronouns and...things."

Sirius nodded. "Yes. Yes there were. There were many. Does quote um...uh... unquote remember any of these heinous pronouns?"

Peter looked as thoughtful as he possibly could. "Well, I think there might have been, um, he..." He moved his fingers in little air-quotation marks to illustrate the point.

"And does quote um...uh... unquote love bunny rabbits?" Sirius interjected.

"Well...not particularly...I mean, they're ok..." Peter looked confused.

Sirius gave Peter a stern look. "Um...uh...receives one half of one penance point for misleading the public concerning said player's opinions on bunny rabbits." Peter hung his head.

Remus raised his hand again.

Sirius let out a weary sigh. "Yes, Insufferable Know-It-All?"

"Mr. Dictator, it has come to my attention thaaAAH--" And with that Remus fell over and found himself trapped under Frank Longbottom.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, bemused. "Is Insufferable Know-It-All reacting to a hallucination?"

"Insufferable Know-It-All has just been steamrolled by a hallucination!" Remus replied indignantly.

"Insufferable Know-It-All has also failed to address Mr. Dictator as Mr. Dictator," Sirius pointed out.

"So did quote um...uh... unquote, and you didn't call him out on it!"

"Well," said Sirius. "That's obviously because-"

Frank stared at the two of them. "Right, well, um, sorry to interrupt, didn't mean to land on you and all. Although, maybe the floor of a crowded common room isn't the best place to...hallucinate. Or whatever you're doing. Right, um, bye, have fun, see you later."

James raised his hand. "Mr. Dictator, I move that we, er, move. The universe. To someplace where hallucinations will not trip over the universe."

Sirius nodded. "Excellent idea, Prongs. The universe will now move to the hallucinatory Charms classroom, which should be hallucinatorily empty."

And so the universe trooped out of Gryffindor Common Room, and resettled in the Charms classroom, which was, in fact, hallucinatorily empty. After moving some of the hallucinatory desks, they re-formed the universe on the cold stone floor.

"Excellent. The passing of the silent football will now--" Sirius fell silent as Snape walked into the room. An evil grin spread across his face. "It appears that the nose of a certain hallucination, being excessively large, is blocking everyone's view of--well, of everything. Therefore…JIHAD!"

Snape, who was rummaging around under one of the desks, quietly trying to avoid attracting attention while looking for his textbook, realized from the tone of Sirius' voice that now is the time to leave. He raced out of the classroom with Sirius and James close behind and Peter puffing along a bit further back. Remus had not moved from the floor of the classroom, attempting to ignore his friends. He sat alone in the classroom, his head in his hands, hoping their adventure would run its course without any serious property damage or bodily injury.

Change course they did, when James, chasing Snape, ran most clumsily into one red-haired prefect patrolling the halls. Sirius noticed James on the floor looking rather dazed and, indeed, love struck. He doubled back a second later and cried, "Jihad over! Come on, Prongs." He seized James by the arm and pulled him back into the classroom.

Lily followed behind, trying to keep a safe distance from the lunatics, yet close enough to keep an eye on them. "James? What on earth are you two doing?"

"We're playing Silent Football! It mostly doesn't involve hurting people. You'd like it," he explained as they settled back into the universe.

"Prongs," Sirius said, "is reacting to a _very_ distracting hallucination."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am." James' expression brightened. "So now I have to eat it, right?"

He bit her ear. She rolled her eyes, but didn't push him away. Sirius pantomimed retching. Peter stared with wide-eyed curiosity. Remus looked slightly scandalized.

"Yes, you have attempted to eat the hallucination and may now...um..." Sirius watched with a look of mild interest as James tried very hard to eat the face of said hallucination.

Remus raised his hand.

Sirius sighed. "Yes, Moony?"

"Mr. Dictator, it has come to my attention that Mr. Dictator has just used the most heinous pronoun quote you unquote."

Sirius slapped a hand to his forehead. "This is true. However, far more serious is the fact that there is a snogging hallucination right in front of Insufferable Know It All and yet said player is thinking about pronouns! Therefore Insufferable Know It All is awarded 10 billion penance points and the universe is dissolved."

Peter raised his hand. "Um, Mr. Dictator, sir, doesn't that mean that Remus--Moony--Know-It-All has the most penis points?"

Silence. Everyone stared.

"What? What'd I--oh." He turned a rather violent shade of pink.

"It seems that quote um...uh... unquote is reacting to a hallucinatory Freudian slip," Sirius said slowly. "Therefore, quote um...uh... unquote is awarded 1 million _penis_ points."

"As um...uh... has the most penis points and Insufferable Know-It-All has the most penance points, they will both do penance. "Um...uh...will be required to use the word 'orgasmic' at least once in every sentence for the rest of the day. And Insufferable Know-It-All--" Sirius' face lit up with another evil grin. "-- must definitively prove that said player thinks about something besides books and grammar, specifically when said player should be thinking about snogging."

Peter looked confused. "I don't get how he's supposed to prove what he's thinking about." Sirius looked at him, and he added "orgasmic" to the end of his sentence as an afterthought.

"Don't worry, Wormtail, we're--um, he's--going to take care of his penance in a minute. But you'd better go to dinner. And you two," he said to James and Lily. "Really, get a room!"

"This is a room!" James protested. "You two just happen to be in it."

"Actually," Lily said, "I think I've had quite enough voyeurism for one day. Let's go." James followed happily enough behind.

"Now, Insufferable Know-It-All, you have penance to do." Remus turned towards Sirius wearing a look of defeat and the tiniest suggestion of a smile.

Mischief managed.


End file.
